I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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