I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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