: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
