honey bunches of taint.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
