Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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