After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
