My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
