if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
