he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
