You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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