i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
