Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
