I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
