Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
