your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
