before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
