He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
can u get pink eye on your cock?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
