My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
