That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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