Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
