Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
