Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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