is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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