My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
