I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
