It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
