Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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