I wish my penis had an off switch
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
