i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
