The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
