Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
