It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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