I want to stick my p in your. b.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
