I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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