He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I am spending my child support on dildos
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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