Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Randomize
