i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
