when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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