so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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