Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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