Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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