There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
someone get that fucking seahorse.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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