seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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