i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
