So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
