I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
