Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
