Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
