Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
