Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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