I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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